


All the things I could have done

by Miscellaneous_mess



Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Courage, Daisy (mentioned) - Freeform, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Pride, Gay Rights, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Tom (mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27705182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miscellaneous_mess/pseuds/Miscellaneous_mess
Summary: Courageous Nick AU where Nick admits his feelings for Gatsby early on. This leads to a very interesting relationship as the two figure each other out.
Relationships: Nick Carraway/Jay Gatsby
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	All the things I could have done

Nick’s POV

Watching him with my cousin was absolutely sickening. I thought I could learn to be happy for them but I just couldn't. I didn't understand how he didn't know I loved him. I helped him, would do whatever he asked and I got nothing in return besides the pain of watching him dance around with Daisy. 

Daisy, she was just as bad, I knew from day one she wouldn't leave Tom and I thought that surely Gatsby would see this but if he did he never acted on it. 

It was the middle of summer, not quite the hottest day of the year but probably close, the day I lost it. I was over at the Gatsby mansion, it was where I had found myself spending most of my time now anyway when Gatsby insisted on showing me something. I didn't think much of it, probably another money waster to get Daisy back. That was the day he pulled out the ring and showed it to me.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me, old sport,” he claimed, “as soon as she gets rid of Tom it's going to be just me and her!” 

Maybe I should have kept myself together, maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him that day, but contrary to what Gatsby thinks you can't change a thing, “you want to marry Daisy? Well, good luck with that! You got just as much chance as Jordan does if that! She's that old money brand and her hair is worth more than your car! If you can't see that then you're not going to make it very far!”  
“What are you saying, old sport?” He asked, still relatively calm compared to me.   
I stood up and went to leave, “I’m done being your side piece and when you're done being hers you can see me but until then I don't want to!”  
“Old sport!” he called after me.  
“No! I'm done! Do you even know my name? It's Nick! I've been in love with you since day one and you don't even know my name!”

Maybe he was too shocked to move or maybe I had just finally scared him off but I didn't care anymore. He wasn't my problem and I was done taking care. If Daisy broke him, I didn't care. I was not going to accept him back in my life, no matter how much he begged. I was going to focus on my career instead of my love life. 

Yeah, that lasted for a week. I wasn't good in the stock market and often found myself writing short stories, all of which the characters were based too much on everyone I knew in New York. That same week I had a knock on my door. I assumed it was Jordan when I told her I was a homosexual she said she also was. This led us to a close bond and going out for lunch at least once a week. I didn't think we were going out today and that should have been my hint not to open the door. When I did open the door I found a very, well I don't quite know the word, disheveled Jay. I didn't move out of the doorway but he pushed his way in.

“I told you I didn't want to see you!” I spit bitterly.   
“I know,” he paused and took out the ring. He threw it out the door that I still had open, “I’m done.”

I didn't know if I wanted to know and I should have turned him away but instead, I shut the door and offered him a drink. He said he didn't want anything and I requested him to sit. There was still time, I could change my mind and shove him out the door and I couldn't. I was still so hopelessly in love with the man in front of me that I couldn't. 

“What happened?” I asked tentatively.   
“She was never going to marry me,” Jay said.  
I rolled my eyes, I could have told him that, “so why did you come here?”   
“Because you're the only person that loves me.”  
“No! I'm not doing this again! I'm not some puppet!”  
“No, that's not what I want old… Nick.”  
I stopped at my name, it was honestly the last thing I expected to hear, “then what do you want?” I asked, my voice still gritty but not as loud. 

Jay stopped, did he seriously show up without knowing what he wanted. 

“You,” he finally said, “us. I want to see what happens.”  
“Why should I believe you? Every other sentence has been a lie! I doubt your name is even Jay!” I screamed.  
“James, James Gatz,” he admitted.   
“How? How could I fall for such a manipulative liar?!”  
“I am not!” He claimed.   
“No! I know maybe three accurate things about you and all you do is get whatever you want! You have an alternative motive under everything you do and that includes you claiming to want me now! Get out of my house and out of my life!” I pointed to the door. 

I was shocked when he got up and left without further argument. 

Life continued on similar to when I first moved to New York, I hardly knew my mysterious neighbor, and rambunctious parties were thrown every night. I didn't want to go and I didn't want to see him but large parties are private I suppose. I went to get drunk, I didn't want to feel anything. For a while, I didn't know who I was or where I was and that was a magical feeling. 

“What’s a handsome guy like you doing all alone?” Someone came up behind me.   
“Forgetting,” I said simply, I turned around to see he had a mask on, “this isn't a mascarade you know?”   
“Yes, but it keeps me hidden, and right now I want to hide,” the mysterious man said.  
I should have dropped my conversation with the stranger but curiosity edged me on, “so you won't even tell me who you are?”  
“I’m your type,” he said. 

Did I truly care if he was a massive flirt? No, it would be easier to forget in the morning.   
Among the crowd, he kissed me. If I was sober I would have been suspicious of the fact that he was homosexual and how he knew that I was. His lips were soft and made me feel like I was floating. 

“We can continue this in another room,” the man offered.  
“Can’t I at least see your face?” I asked.  
“You wouldn't like me if you did.”  
“Nonsense, you're a mighty fine kisser, it’d be hard to mess that up,” I smirked.   
“Don't say I didn't warn you,” the man said, lifting his mask revealing that he was in fact, Jay Gatsby. No that wasn't his name it was James Gatz and his whole alter ego. 

“Of course,” I rolled my eyes and stormed out of the party.   
“Nick! Please!” He called after me.

I ran, well I tried to run to my house, it wasn't easy to run drunk. I shut myself inside and slide down with my back against the door. He banged on my door a few times, I wanted to open it and believe him when he said he wanted to make it work. I wanted it so bad but instead, I sat there and let tears stain my cheeks until he left. The night was counterproductive and did not help me forget about James at all if anything he only plagued my mind more. The next day when I was heading out I found him still on my porch. 

“Nick,” he smiled.

That stupid smile that could have anyone entranced. I tried to just walk past him but he was letting me get away and he grabbed my wrist.

“Nick, could you just talk to me?” James almost sounded like he was begging.   
“Give one good reason to!” I demanded.   
“Because you know my name and I know yours, because we kissed last night and I know you felt the same sparks that I did, because I thought I loved Daisy but I never did.”

I stopped and I hated my stupid heart could make me like this. 

“Talk,” I spit.   
“Nick, you have to understand that I want this. I know you can't see it because I only used to see her but I see you now. You're not just some sidepiece, you're my friend and I need you. A friend doesn't need someone the way I need you now, a friend doesn't look at you the way I do, friends don't kiss each other the way we did last night. We are so much more Nick and you saw it once, I need you to see it again.” 

He had me, he had me wrapped about his finger, he knew it too. He knew there was no way I could stop him, stop this. When he stepped closer I didn't stop him, when he kissed me again I didn't stop him, I kissed him back only encouraging the reckless behavior. 

“Tell me something true,” I requested.  
“I was on your porch all night waiting for you.”  
“I hate you, you know that? You get me trapped so easily and I didn't even have time to move on,” I groaned. 

James smiled the same smile that first made me fall in love. 

“I have to go,” I told him, “I’ll be back though.”

I thought about it, I could go back and tell him I had second thoughts, I could just run away and not go back at all, I could go back and ignore him, and yet I didn't even go back to my place before I went to his place.   
He was waiting there for me, he looked anxious, like that day he decorated my house as a flower shop. 

“You came?” He asked it like a question though I was very clearly here.   
“I did say I would.”

There was a moment of silence and the mansion had never felt so big to me but now here I was and it was just me and him.

“What do you think about quitting your job?” He asked me.   
My eyes widened, “I need to work, that's how I pay for my house, my food, my clothes,” I would have gone on if he didn't stop me.  
“I can provide anything you need. I have more than money, do you want a new car? We can get one now, it could be any model you want,” it was my turn to cut him off.  
“You can't buy me! I know Daisy loved all your things but I don't. I just,” I hesitated, I didn't want to say it but maybe it would convince him, “I just love you.”  
“You don't love me, you love Jay Gatsby,” James said.  
“Then show me, James, show me who you are and I’ll love you just the same.”  
“What if you don't?” He asked.  
I stepped close to him, “it’s a risk I've been willing to take, and I thought you were ready too.”

James kissed me, it wasn't like our two other kisses. I wasn't drunk only wanting anything anyone had to offer, it wasn't the morning where he got me wrapped around his finger. This was like a declaration, that he was ready and that I was his. 

“Do you want the car?” He asked me again.  
“No, but I would accept the offer to move in if that's still on the table.”  
“As I said, you can have anything you want.”  
“Could you get someone to move my stuff over here?” I asked knowing it would be some servant's job but I was tired and today had been very overwhelming.   
“Yes, I’ll get someone right on it.”  
“You seriously don't mind if I quit my job and focus on writing for a bit?” I asked him.  
“Of course not, you do what you love and I know you don't like that job with the stocks. If writing is going to make you happy you should devote your time to it.”

Silence fell over us before James spoke again.

“You know, Nick, I’m not sure I loved her. Five years ago I did, I loved our sneaking around and how I was not worthy of her at all but it all seems foolish now. I don't love her and she only loves my money. I can't blame her, I don't know why anyone else would come back here.”  
“You know that's not true. I love you for so much more than your money. You could be the poorest man on the side of the street and I would love you all the same.”

I once had no time to react before his lips were on mine. It was such a pleasant feeling, one that I was certain I would never get used to yet would always crave despite never being able to describe it. 

“You always had such a way with words. It must be why you are a fabulous author.”  
“You’ve never even seen a page I have written.”  
“Call it intuition, I suppose.”  
“Do you love me, James? You’ve said so many charming things but not once that you love me.”  
“Of course I do Nick.”  
“Say it, please. It doesn't have to be wordy, just simply say it.”  
“I am absolutely in love with you Nick Carraway. If I'm being honest I want you on my bed,” James finally declared.   
“Tired already?” I smirked.  
“No, I just want to fuck you against my bed. I don't want you to be able to stand properly in the morning.”  
“Nobody is stopping you,” I said as I kissed him. 

The way he deepened the kiss made me sure that this is what I wanted. When I woke up the next morning sore I was surprised that he still lay next to me.

I wish this was the end of our story. 

I wish I could tell you that we lived happily ever after.

I wish I could tell the world that I bought him a ring and even though we couldn't get married we lived a lovely life just the same. That wouldn't be true though. I can't force you to believe anything, after all, I’m simply a narrator. 

I am a narrator who was hopelessly in love with another man who I liked to believe was in love with me. 

When he was shot I had nothing left. I didn't have Jay Gatsby, I didn't have James Gatz, I had writing and I wrote his story. It was the only way I could keep him with me. 

Seeing the love of your life get shot is a hard thing to do, it's even worse when you know you can't save them and have to watch them die in your arms. Before he died he claimed it wasn't my fault and that he loved me. 

I lived in his mansion alone, it was what I had left of him. I was courageous that day and I was glad I had been but if I hadn’t would I now have to deal with the pain of missing him?

**Author's Note:**

> I think I have a slight addiction to Natsby. It also doesn't help that I got my wisdom teeth out so I have nothing better to do than write fanficition.


End file.
